Remembrance

I often ask myself if there was ever a time, when I was younger, that I noticed I was gay.

I'm not one of those people who always knew, I really didn't, I had no clue. But sometimes I ask myself if there was any evidence, something I didn't quite notice. And the truth is, most times I thought of this I dismissed the idea, there was nothing I could recall.
But just some minutes ago I was reading Autostraddle and a lamp seemingly lit up in my mind.

I remembered a couple of situations that even if pretty much insignificant marked me to this day, two of which I happened to stumble upon while watching TV.
The first was when one day, about eight years ago, I was zapping and stopped on MCM (which, for those who don't know, is a french music channel). Everything was fine and dandy untill suddenly the two girls singing on the video kissed. I know that leaves no doubts, they were none other than t.A.T.u. singing "All The Things She Said". I, being my young and innocent self, had never heard of them and was honestly too young to. I remember that situation so clearly it astounds me.

The second one is even older, I don't even know how old it really is. It took me a long time to figure out who it was, this weird person with a hair full of braids, a hat atop of the head and bright red lipstick. Ah well, it was Boy George!
It might sound like nothing to many but when I say my memory is bad, I really mean it, and for these situations to have stuck with me for all my life there must have been something inside me that somehow knew already that there was something different in me.

Today my homie, Jorge, asked me how I knew I was gay. I asked myself that same question for a long time, to be perfectly honest, and the only answer really is "I just knew". It is ironic how easily I can answer the How-come-I-didn't-find-out-sooner question, but searching for signs prior to that is so hard.

Boy George as I remember seeing him (except for the missing hat).

1 a.m. ramble

(Take into account I wrote this last night at 1 a.m. after a very emotional hour and a half watching the movie Latter Days. I was very sensitive.)

Sometimes I wonder how many people go through this feeling.

Like when they’re out on the street holding hands with the person they love and they suddenly stop and think that, what if the wrong person saw them, what if some wacko crazy lunatic saw them and, I don’t know, killed them.

I feel that sometimes, when I’m out with my girlfriend. I don’t think I ever told that to anyone, but I do, and even she thinks I’m just being a scaredy cat because it’s dark and I’ve seen way too many scary movies but, it’s no demons or ghosts or whatever kind of monsters I’m scared of, I’m scared another human being just like me might see it and not only dislike it but hate it, and not be right in the mind and take it into its own hands to “fix” it. I’m scared of being beaten or raped or even killed just because I’m holding her hand, and that doesn’t stop me in the least and I’ll keep doing that forever if I can but it makes me think, it gets me thinking every time I hear about anything that is relative to homosexuality and death, it gets me thinking it could be me but thankfully isn’t, thankfully I have an amazingly supportive family and friends who love me and back me up nonetheless, maybe even more than if I was straight.

I consider myself lucky and it honestly kills me to know many aren’t half as lucky. It gets me crying like a baby completely lost in the world (and believe me, that's sad). I feel so ungrateful at times, I seem to forget the pain and the suffering of those who had to fight for all the rights I now have. For fucks sake, I can even marry right now. And I wish I could thank each one of the people who made it possible and take them in my arms and fix all the harm that was done to them. Harm that was done just so that I, like many other to come, could enjoy the acceptance I have nowadays, could live my life without fearing death penalties and such.

I hope that someday I can do my part…



(I can't credit because I honestly don't
know where I got this beautiful photograph.)



Epic

Most epic shit ever. You can't beat this. Ahahah.