I don't like walking in the dark because I can't see where I'm headed.

I'm a "glass-half-full" kind of person. I only see the negative side of things when I know that's probably how things will go, in a futile attempt to soften the blow. Better convince myself things go wrong so that if they do, i will be expecting it. And in case they go right, well, the hope I was secretly keeping to myself will have been worth it.
But sometimes there's no positive or negative side, it's all a blur and we can't even figure out what is really going on. I think those moments are the worst.

I hate losing control: of myself, of my body, of my life. I drink alcohol but I don't get trashed, I don't do drugs, I don't like walking in the dark because I can't see where I'm headed.
You can face it as a fear, a phobia, or as a mere life-perspective. I see it as any of those.
So you can only imagine how I stay any time something lands on that grey area. I stress myself over possible motives, wear myself out untill I'm a turmoil of emotions. I'm a nervous wreck.

I hate to admit that lately I've found myself in one of those moments.
I don't know what I did, if it was something I said or just piled up problems, but everything went burning down and I lost an important friendship. I don't know which I hate more, if the entire situation for the pain it's putting me through or if the person for making me go through it without any apparent reason, for treating me so unfairly.
It's a vicious cycle, eating me up.

I'm having a hard time sleeping lately. Hope it doesn't last long.






I promise I won't linger long, I promise I won't push my face up against your clothes or your stupid sheets.