Longing

When is enough ever enough? Is constant unsatisfaction what keeps us going? I find myself having this conversation with myself over and over again.
Is it me who always wants more? Or are things really not up to standards?
I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself for my discontentment, for this restless longing. I wish I had a way of knowing if I'm the one who's wrong or if things are really not worth it.
I feel like I'm walking on a limbo, an inch away from falling through. There are moments when this anguish takes over me, frustration for what was and no longer is.
I miss afternoons with the glow of the setting sun surrounding me in a craddle of happiness, of the sense of peacefulness and safety I felt inside. I felt so big and confident. Now i'm just unsure.
As I read through this all I see is "I...", "me...", and it makes me feel so selfish. I wonder if it's really altruism what keeps me around or fear, cowardice. My opinion of myself as long degraded.
I wish I could get back that feeling, those feelings, now I always feel like I'm bellow expectations.
I feel this cold, this emptiness in me, and I feel like it is never going away. I just know it deep down. I knew it then as I know it now that things would never be the same, but knowing isn't enough.
I just need to fix this before I drive myself miserable. But alas, it's easier said than done.

Super bra, I can always count on your support

eheh :) <3

Natalia Tena

Alright, I'm in love with this woman. Like, totally, head over heels.

One - Natalia Tena is HOT. She sends the definition of hot into a whole new level. Gorgeous, beautiful, you name it.
Two - Her style is just amazing. She dresses whatever she feels like whenever she feels like. She just doesn't care. One day boyish, another day sexy as hell. I really admire that in her because I myself have a pretty rough time balancing my femininity and masculinity.
Three - She's so down to earth people! So human in the most overwhelmingly good of the ways.
Four - If you saw the video you will be expecting this one. Her voice is like...woah. It's beautiful, raw but beautiful. And when I say raw I must point out that's probably what I like the most about it. You should totally check out her band, Molotov Jukebox. They have the craziest and coolest of sounds.
Five - I love her attitude. That woman glows, she's a ball of energy. I honestly feel like squeezing her. Oh well...Andiamo!
Six - I really like her acting, she just gives off this chill vibe... And even though Tonks looks seriously gay I am a sucker for all the Remus/Tonks love story.
Seven - Dude, her parents are Spanish! That means that, not only does she have a fucking sexy british accent (I'm crazy about those), she also speaks Spanish! I find it peculiar in a way but also admirable because those are both some thick accents and she owns them. It really amazes me, I'm not kidding.
Eight - I got the biggest of the crushes on her when I saw her in this one movie from some years ago (some as in almost a decade), before I knew it was her, and I need to show you because...simply because.
The movie is called About a Boy. Funny enough the same boy the title refers to is now a quite tall young man called Nicholas Hoult who happens to have played Tony Stonem in Skins... Does time fly by.

This is her in all her teenage glory in About a Boy

I just had to share how amazing she is. Forgive my groupiness or whatever you might call it. Ah!

Forgive

You, you got a way of keeping
me on my toes and you got a way
of thinking whatever you do goes
and I really don't mind cause you
keeping me amused and you treated
my love to your god damn crazy moods
and I, I forgive you

I forgive you for the truth I liked you better
when you lied, and I forgive you being you
cause you were better when you faked every smile
and know your knocking on my front door that's what
I've been living for excuse me while I laugh my ass off
I forgive you for your ways now that I finally got away

I, I'm gonna miss watching you while you sleep
cause that was the only time I ever found some peace
I use to believe it was me who was insane, but now I
take it back cause compared to you I'm OK
and I, I forgive you

I forgive you for the truth I liked you better
when you lied, and I forgive you being you
cause you were better when you faked every smile
and know your knocking on my front door that's what
I've been living for excuse me while I laugh my ass off
I forgive you for your ways now that I finally got away

From you, I could throw my cares away
now I know how freedom taste and I
thank you for the pain cause now I
can deal with anything

You, you had a way of keeping me on my toes...


I forgive you for the truth I liked you better
when you lied, and I forgive you being you
cause you were better when you faked every smile
and know your knocking on my front door that's what
I've been living for excuse me while I laugh my ass off
and now your knocking on my front door that's what I've
been living for excuse me while I laugh my ass off
and now your knocking on my front door that's what I've
been living for excuse me while I laugh my ass off
I forgive you for your ways now that I finally got away




Too bad I don't really forgive her.

I Am Harry Potter

I Am Harry Potter from Daniel Radcliffe

Dan is no doubt an amazing actor, we've gotta give him credit for that.
Oh wait, I meant Harry. Harry is an amazing actor. Damn I keep messing that up...
Ahahah

I don't like walking in the dark because I can't see where I'm headed.

I'm a "glass-half-full" kind of person. I only see the negative side of things when I know that's probably how things will go, in a futile attempt to soften the blow. Better convince myself things go wrong so that if they do, i will be expecting it. And in case they go right, well, the hope I was secretly keeping to myself will have been worth it.
But sometimes there's no positive or negative side, it's all a blur and we can't even figure out what is really going on. I think those moments are the worst.

I hate losing control: of myself, of my body, of my life. I drink alcohol but I don't get trashed, I don't do drugs, I don't like walking in the dark because I can't see where I'm headed.
You can face it as a fear, a phobia, or as a mere life-perspective. I see it as any of those.
So you can only imagine how I stay any time something lands on that grey area. I stress myself over possible motives, wear myself out untill I'm a turmoil of emotions. I'm a nervous wreck.

I hate to admit that lately I've found myself in one of those moments.
I don't know what I did, if it was something I said or just piled up problems, but everything went burning down and I lost an important friendship. I don't know which I hate more, if the entire situation for the pain it's putting me through or if the person for making me go through it without any apparent reason, for treating me so unfairly.
It's a vicious cycle, eating me up.

I'm having a hard time sleeping lately. Hope it doesn't last long.






I promise I won't linger long, I promise I won't push my face up against your clothes or your stupid sheets.

What I've been up to

Drawing Class:

The wall looked so awesome with our works... so rainbowlicious

Mine mine mine (photo included)

Materials and Technologies Class:

My crappy mold.




 

 The sculpture that served as a base for the mold
(destroyed meanwhile during the making of the mold).



Remembrance

I often ask myself if there was ever a time, when I was younger, that I noticed I was gay.

I'm not one of those people who always knew, I really didn't, I had no clue. But sometimes I ask myself if there was any evidence, something I didn't quite notice. And the truth is, most times I thought of this I dismissed the idea, there was nothing I could recall.
But just some minutes ago I was reading Autostraddle and a lamp seemingly lit up in my mind.

I remembered a couple of situations that even if pretty much insignificant marked me to this day, two of which I happened to stumble upon while watching TV.
The first was when one day, about eight years ago, I was zapping and stopped on MCM (which, for those who don't know, is a french music channel). Everything was fine and dandy untill suddenly the two girls singing on the video kissed. I know that leaves no doubts, they were none other than t.A.T.u. singing "All The Things She Said". I, being my young and innocent self, had never heard of them and was honestly too young to. I remember that situation so clearly it astounds me.

The second one is even older, I don't even know how old it really is. It took me a long time to figure out who it was, this weird person with a hair full of braids, a hat atop of the head and bright red lipstick. Ah well, it was Boy George!
It might sound like nothing to many but when I say my memory is bad, I really mean it, and for these situations to have stuck with me for all my life there must have been something inside me that somehow knew already that there was something different in me.

Today my homie, Jorge, asked me how I knew I was gay. I asked myself that same question for a long time, to be perfectly honest, and the only answer really is "I just knew". It is ironic how easily I can answer the How-come-I-didn't-find-out-sooner question, but searching for signs prior to that is so hard.

Boy George as I remember seeing him (except for the missing hat).